KEY 3: CONNECT

My brother came round to measure the piano, because we want to give it to him. We don't speak at a deep level much, and the last time I tried he blocked me. He has had a lot of low periods in his life when he didn't go out much, or speak to anyone, but of recent years he has been much more positive and has taken big visible steps to enjoy his life more. So I asked him how he got out of them. 

His immediate response was 'get out and see people'.

photo from Goldsmiths Connect www.gold.ac.uk

He then went on to give me some a very useful perspective on what our parents contributed to our perfectionism and our idea of success (very academic/ professional). And most dramatically useful, 

WHY WOULDN'T YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT?

My sister tends to phone me when she is having a hard time at work and needs someone to work things out with. She is having a general hard time because she doesn't like the job she's had for the last 12 months. A couple of months ago I put boundaries on this as she had not asked about me, when I was off sick from work because I wasn't coping at all. Talking to her on the phone today, it was much more of a balanced conversation. She talked me through my perspective on work in the kind of detail I would give her when needed, and it solidified my position that I wither in urgent work situations and have some other useful contributions to make, and that making this clear to my employer would be important for my future. It was also great to be able to talk about my past similar circumstances with someone who was totally behind my interpretation of events.

How does this relate to connecting? Well, from these and other encounters, I can clearly see that people who care about you usually give you what you ask for. As long as you ask for it. I have been going around thinking that I had no one to talk to, and really this is because I have not been honest with anyone about what I was going through or what I needed. That changes now.