My difficulty is that this suggests huge glorious influence, which doesn't sound right to me - a person who doesn't even manage interviews because of the exposure they give me.
But I have been looking into 'purpose' and found This Australian guy Peter Hegarty who has some interesting and thought inspiring ideas about it. He says that talks about purpose as
'A gift that in the giving costs you nothing of yourself
and helps you grow into more of the real you than you could otherwise be.'
This appeals because it makes it seem more mundane in a way. Something that is easy for me because it's what I do naturally, but is nevertheless helpful to others. It would be a huge relief to be able to give something that doesn't require me to strain and exercise mind over matter to get there.
Thinking about this (in my sleep), I see that my particular thing, that I take for granted because it is so centrally me, is my ability to see other peoples' perspective on things. This has been a blessing and a curse at various times, but in itself is simply a tendency that I have more than most. In my work I have used it (unintentionally most of the time) to develop empathy and trusting relationships with the people I help, and to help my team to do so as well, and I have been praised for this by my colleagues. I did this unintentionally, and often against the tide. I had to work out for myself how to honour other peoples' perspective while getting my job done in a professional way within the very limited time available. It wasn't a heroic struggle against the odds for the good of humankind. It was just necessary if I was going to be able to do the job at all.
At work I couldn't keep it up for long. Looking back on my chequered career, I can see that the way my work is set up is not for people like me (although I suspect there are quite a few of us trying). I have quite a lot of flexibility about what I do and when, but there are lots of things that I am responsible for which impinge on my ability to get the balance right between empathy and getting the job done. That makes it sound facile, but its much more complex than that. I need to think about this a bit more...(see below)
It has been a problem for me a lot in my personal life. At least at work you expect to be marching to someone else's drum at least some of the time (whether you like it or not). But socially, in romantically, being attuned to where other people are coming from whether you like it or not means that you are much more likely to do what they want, rather than what you want or need. You might even end up in a relationship where they want you but you don't want them. And there is a risk of abuse, which I have always felt the need to guard against without really knowing how (other than to leave suddenly). But less dramatically, and more insidiously, you tend to cater to their needs first, so that everyone is happy, and very quickly you find you don't know what your needs are any more and everyone seems to be happy but you. And there's also that overwhelming resentment that they aren't doing the same for you, and you can't help feeling that this means they don't care, when of course they simply don't have the knack of reading people like you do. (I am INFJ in Myers Briggs personality typing - see the excellent personalityjunkie.com for more.) And I'm ashamed to say that then they get the brunt of my resentment without knowing what they did to deserve it.
What would have worked better?
1. Well now it's easy to see that I needed to learn to deliberately switch perspectives back to my own. Or deliberately stick with mine until I know what would be right for me, before switching to check in with them. Or even be mindful of which perspective I'm in when I'm thinking about something, so I can make no decisions except those that include me.
2. To give myself time to sort these things out in my head, instead of demanding of myself that I make decisions as quickly as other people seem to.
3. To know that it's not just OK but necessary to put limits on what other people expect of me that respect my need a/ for recovery time and b/ to live my life for me.
When I started my current job I was lucky that I was able to do this perspective thing most of the time, and I was happy in my job. After a lifetime of fatigue after 3 months of full time work, and having to reduce my exposure to my work to 3 days a week at most, I was able to talk about doing the job for the rest of my life, perhaps even increasing my days. I was on purpose, had enough time, and was able to relax into it and make a difference.
But a year ago my workload doubled, and other things were going on in my personal life that knocked my confidence and and stopped home being so restful, and this all took me away from what I loved doing and I became exhausted again.
I need to think about what it was precisely that put a stop to it. But more importantly, what it was that made it possible for it to feel so easy and rewarding for me.
Ostensibly the job is to give the clients what they need. But it is usual for them to want something that is not on the list of possible professional actions for me. They want me to listen, understand, and help them work their way through their difficulties to a place where they are stronger. Or sometimes they just want me to take their difficulties away. Neither of these are in my arsenal. So I have to sell them what I can do as a way through. Other people don't even try to sell it, and are then surprised and annoyed when the person doesn't turn up again. What I have discovered is that it is possible to not only sell people what I can do, but also to give them the understanding and empowerment they need to get what they want and to accept my advice about what else might help. And all within a reasonable amount of time. The difficulty is when I don't have a reasonable amount of time.
More from Peter Hegarty:
'...Purpose underlies everything that you do
Purpose is about service
Purpose counts on integrity...
Purpose is the essence of your deepest values'
So, if this is my purpose path - to use my skill with perspective to create a better service for people, then I need to focus on the integrity bit of this. I need to work out how on earth I can express and act on this knowledge most of the time at work, but without also trying to conform to the other professional expectations that fly against it and make it such a struggle for me.
What are those things?
- Having to make decisions with potentially serious consequences in a situation where I cannot have enough time to make them well.
- Being responsible for too many people at a time, so I can't know any of them well enough to help them the way I would like (or even be as safe as I'd like).
- Having no influence on the senior people who make decisions about organisational change so they keep doing things that will make it worse from the clients perspective. eg?
- Having to work in a system which is supposed to be giving people what they need but has forgotten that theirs is not the only perspective (if it ever knew) and has for many clients become part of the problem.
- Having to work hard to gain the trust of clients because they have had multiple changes of contact and therefore know at first hand that the service does not care about them as individuals.
- Working with people who don't even think about trying to put themselves into a client's shoes.
- Working in a system where I have no personal support, or even a place where I could talk about these things without fear of seeming dangerously radical.
- Working in a system where the support services, especially IT, are not constructed to make it easier for me to do my job, even though my job is what the service is paid to do. They are constructed to make it easier for the moneymakers to get their money. Surely we could manage both?
- Working in a system where the management is so cumbersome that there are different groups negotiating the same contract, but don't know it, and when this is pointed out and invited, don't speak to each other.
- Where the reputation of the organisation is very poor, but it dismisses or ignores improvements suggested by the clients or other stakeholders.
- The 'assessment centre' for my job was all about client experience, and yet no moves have been made towards improving it in the 3 years since I started. IE I seem to be on my own here!
What would I need to do in order for me to be able to pursue this more directly?
1. I think I need a bit more time thinking about this perspective shows me about how to arrange my life.
2. I need to ask for/look for a job which has fewer urgent problems coming to me.
3. And fewer clients.
4. Where I can be part of the decision-making processes at a higher level. Or at least to have a way of talking to them about this, and trying to help them see this perspective as essential. EG 'client champion'/ advocate
5. Design a workshop for this. And for lower down the organisation.
6. Find a mentor.
7. Forge stronger relationships with client pressure groups and other stakeholders.
8. Work on the broader perception of this as a basic part of such a service. Talks at conferences, articles, youtube etc.
9. Find out whether analogous things have happened in other industries that I can learn from.
10. Do what I need to do to allow me to continue having this clarity about myself, and time and space to work it through. (This should be number one!)
- by practicing mindfulness regarding which perspective I am in at any time
- by learning new tactful ways of being clear about what I will not do
- by being sure that I know what I need first, before checking in with other people
- by practicing mindfulness regarding which perspective I am in at any time
- by learning new tactful ways of being clear about what I will not do
- by being sure that I know what I need first, before checking in with other people
Wow, that was good - I haven't thought that through in detail before. This certainly seems like a good starting point for working out how to design my own life!
Back to PH again:
'The Paradox of Purpose
Selfishly investing in our truth,
holding our integrity and our boundaries as sacred and inviolable
results in selfless, authentic and generous service to others'
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