IF YOU ARE READING THIS TO HELP YOU BECOME HAPPIER, PLEASE SKIP TO DEC 2017
I've been unhappy for a long time, and the things I have tried to help me feel more contented have been marginally effective at best. But then they have been partial, marginal attempts, with me trying to squeeze them into the pauses in other responsibilities in my life.
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| On Camber Sands |
Events have meant that this can no longer be sustained. I am on sick leave from work with no immediate expectation of return. I don't know if I want to return, or if I do, whether it would be a good idea or not, as I have a strong suspicion that this career is bad for me. My family are self-sustaining for the time being. The house is not yet falling down. I have been doing a lot of personal development work with information about how my mind works from personalityhacker.com and a course from the wonderful Merja Semilov on how to look after myself and find my 'purpose path' Link to course
People always say - take care of yourself - and I don't really know how. In fact, having nothing to do, and no particular goals or projects is a bit of a nightmare for me, makes me feel restless and useless. But doing this work on myself has helped me understand what taking care of myself means.
This project is my way of working this out, in a sort of scientific model way. Prompted by a useful talk with my sister who is a product manager with Agile.
My hypothesis:
That my life has been engaged in the wrong struggle - to subdue and manage my intransigent and unreliable self - when in fact this self who I have demeaned and punished is in fact the best most creative and expansive part of me that knows how to have fun and be happy. It deserves none of this oppression and will instinctively come out to play when I consistently nurture and tend it, and the result will be that I will start to know my purpose and be happy and be a better wife, friend and mother and a happier healthier person.
My experimental method:
EXPERIMENT 1: Carry a picture of myself as a child to make me feel compassionate towards the vulnerable part of myself, a list of positive feedback, and a copy of the hypothesis.
Set alarm for every hour and give my basic self what I need at that point. Record, walk or stretch, and tell someone.
Respond to triggering events as recommended in INFX.
Record what I have done just to look after myself, and record something about this experiment every day.
On Sunday, record happiness measures on spreadsheet
Repeat for 4 weeks in a row
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| Me at 3 |
My outcome measure:
It isn't easy to rate how happy you are (or how low), as there is a lot of day to day variation depending on what I've done and who I've seen, hormones and bugs, the weather, random variation. And also because I feel as though I have almost always been a bit depressed.
The most relevant and well replicated measure I've found is the Oxford Happiness Scale which is intended as a repeated measure to help people improve their own happiness. Guardian article and Oxford Happiness questionnaire.
RESULTS of experiment 1:
Some improvement in the happiness scale from 2.1 to 3.0, but a way to go
What worked:
- Playtime - letting playfulness lead my recreational activities even when it felt like a total waste of time, has led to my having joy in my clothes; reading and watching fun really relaxing stuff
- Check-in - meant I did a lot more practical parenting like pain killers, naps, loo - basic self-care
- Trigger exercise - meant I learned how to sooth myself; have not lost my temper at all;
- Starting to think from the point of view of myself running my own life, rather than carrying on carrying on. Coaching webinar talked about a big dream poster which I think would help focus me.
- Journal, and repeating INFX course approx weekly is marvellous tool for improving my life
What didn’t work so well:
- Kids missing out - need to timetable them again
- Haven’t given myself my compliments
- Haven’t been doing diet/exercise so regularly
- Now I’m getting a little more energy, I am frustrated with myself for not being able to decide what to do.
- Now I’ve had some time off thinking about work, I am feeling tired at the very thought of working on what I think of currently as my passion project at work, and I just want to stay at home and make stuff. The problem with which is the money. And the huge amount of emotional work it will take to allow myself to do that.
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| My doodles about how to help myself be happier |
EXPERIMENT 2:
I changed my method at the end of August in response to these results.
EXPERIMENT 2: Decide what to do in advance.
Make sure that time for not developing/ working/ doing stuff with other people is booked in every day.
Timetable family and friends; exercise; meals; sleep
Use JPJ as a model, with lists of possible tasks for each section - work some days, playtime some days, parenting session on Sunday (for timetable) and one other day (for making a bridge to Rose)
Keep doing the check-in, triggers and journal and INFX course
Focus on textile art as WORK for this month to see what it’s like and what the barriers are
so, what to book in?
Meals exercise sleep rest time, journal morning and evening
playtime weekly (`Using a running list of potential fun things to do to help me decide when I get there)
parenting session (Another running list) & timetabling session
Girls time
Gid evening
Work on Art - JPJ (Another running list)
INFX course weekly
RESULTS:
Today it is 3 weeks into this experiment, and while my happiness scores are a bit better at 4 now, this way of doing things has put me under pressure to decide things, and think constructively about my responsibilities, and I am actually not looking after myself as well as I was. I also had a big revelation about how being ashamed of being unable to cope is not real or helpful, and probably comes from a mismatch between me and my mother (and an emotionally and physically absent father). This realisation has helped me by changing my perspective on what is happening to me now, from feeling I am intrinsically flawed in a shameful way I don't want anyone else to see, to the understanding that adapting to the world is only good if you do it superficially, not when you try to do it fundamentally. That it's time the world did a bit more adapting to me.
My feelings around this were intensified by the need to speak to my boss and get a sick note from my doctor and I have finally admitted to myself that I am depressed and need to return to prioritising self-care, and give myself real leave from my responsibilities, an big decisions about my future, if I am going to have any real chance of getting happier. And staying happy in the long term, which is of course my BIG PROJECT.
So I am bringing experiment 2 to a premature end today, and starting on experiment 3. The subject of my next post.
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